The journey over...
I flew with Jet Airways which is an Indian airline. The first leg to Mumbai took 8 hours and 45 minutes. We were ahead of schedule. It was abit turbulent over the top of India. It dawned that there was still bad weather here. We came onto the runway and it was raining. When we got off the plane the heat was strong and yet bearable and I felt so warm inside.. I had never felt this before. 
Mumbai airport was so luxurious, in decor, relaxing music, beautiful high quality shops, coffee places etc. I did a sweep through and had to make a move on to do visa, collect luggage and re check in. So I did all that and bought some Indian Rupees as you can't bring currency into the country. 
I headed down to departures and put my phone on charge incase I needed it for when I got to Trivandrum. Whilst waiting for the next flight, I put my head down and had a really good deep nap. 
Before I knew it the flight was ready to board. I was kindly let on ahead by some men as they saw I was on my own. The men were getting on the flight as well but they said hello politely and stepped back. 
The flight to Trivandrum was 1 hour 55 . Again it was turbulent due to bad weather below us. When we arrived it looked clearer. I got my bags and headed outside to see my name on a board, held by the ashram taxi driver.
He headed off to fetch the taxi and in I got. I sat in the back knowing it was going to be an experience! And it was....we zoomed through life on the streets weaved in and out of bikes, mopeds, motorbikes, lorries, cars... you name it, we dodged it!! I wished I counted how many times he beeped his horn. They beep it to tell others they are up their backside by about 5 mm to spare..haha! 
I slept abit to keep my mind off it. Although I was swaying in the back with the weaving in and out. 
The street life is abundant in colours of clothes being worn, shops and more shops...plenty of fruit shops. Lots of different ages of people out and about being part of life. 
We started to see the sea, this is the Arabian sea and it was a vast sight. We passed some beautiful river places too. 
Three hours later we got to some back narrow roads adjacent to the sea and we were getting near to the Ashram. 
In we went, the driveway in was short. I got out and was shown the way to the main office. 
I checked in and was shown the way to the laundry office counter where I collected my two sheets, pillow case and a bucket. I had to pay 200 Rupees for a deposit for them. 
I then went up to my room which was in a ladie's block on the 7th floor. 
As I walked to the accommodation block I felt the ashram as being so busy! Overwhelming! 
I get a lift up to the seventh floor and I meet a young lady in the lift who asked me how long was I staying for. I told her two weeks and she replied that she anticipated staying for two weeks as well and is still there 18 years later. Someone else chirped in that they too had been there 11years after only coming for two weeks. I felt a "worry" cross my mind that maybe I didn't want to leave as well just like them. I hoped not as I had my children still to be there for!. 
I arrived at my room and there was a padlock on the outside which I was given a key for and had to keep the key with me all the time. I caught the eye of a lady in the opposite room sat on her bed with her leg in plaster. She was an Australian lady who came from the same area where I lived for two years, we had a brief chat and she then told me that I was sharing a room with a lovely lady from Spain. I was happy about that. 
I open the door and was in semi shock. It appeared to me that there were no luxuries with this accommodation. 
The mattress was thin on the concrete floor. A tin door opened up to a cold shower, a rusted up toilet and again a concrete type floor and a couple of hooks on the wall. 
There was a sink behind a partitioned wall from the sleeping area where you could brush your teeth etc. It was functional. Two windows with mosquito nets but had holes in and over the top of them there were sarongs pegged on to keep the wind and rain out as well as some determined mosquitoes. 
There was a length of rope from one wall of the bedroom to the other side where a couple of coat hangers were hanging to hang your clothes up instead of a wardrobe!

My room mate wasn't there but her belongings were there and a few clothes were hung on the line from coat hangers. She had the rest coming out of a back pack next to her bed. It was so endearing and this sight made me realise that it didn't matter about the room as this was just a place to put your things and sleep. 
It was near to five o'clock and I was told to meet a Swiss lady infront of the Kali Temple for a tour of the place. 
I had to wear an accommodation pass around my neck for security reasons to enter the main part of the Ashram. The whole place was manned by security guards and we had to enter a sensored entrance/ exit just as in an airport.I later found out the government had stipulated the guard system as the Guru, Amma has such a worldwide popularity now. 
I met up with the Swiss lady and she took me into the temple to watch a video on where all of this began with the young life of a little girl who yearned to find god within and to help other people too through love and kindness known as the path of Bhakti devotion. I recommend you watching this clip of film which can be found on you tube. 
We then went to look around the temple which had a ground floor and a balcony floor and a top floor with accommodation rooms within the top floor. 
There was a floor area below and a shrine at the front. Some curved steps leading to a balcony floor where people were scattered sat on long benches handling brochures of some kind, it was like a production line yet each person had their own job to do. There were rooms around the outside, each one offering a service of some kind. One being a Vedic astrology room where you could book a reading. There was an internet office which was open at certain intervals of the day, you paid one Rupee per minute and there were restrcitions on time limits when it was busy. 
There was an information office where you could ask questions on what was going on in the way of courses offered, what was on that day on the daily schedule, anything you had a question for that was the place to go. There were also books available to buy here. 
There was a second hand shop for clothes to buy to wear in the ashram. It was stipulated to wear the appropriate clothing in the way of keeping your body well covered. The clothes here were donated by people who stayed here. If you lived in the ashram the people would mostly wear white or cream or both colours. People like myself would get by in mix and match in colours as priority being was to get it right in covering up. 
Also there was a clothing store for children which sold new clothes. (children are very welcome in the Ashram and many families stayed here and lived here of all nationalities)
There was a gift shop which sold authentic souvenirs and spiritual pieces of jewellery, clothing, symbols, postcard photos of Amma, lots of nik naks. 
There was also a seva desk which is where you book yourself in for selfless service tasks each day. (seva means selfless service, working without reward, the most important action in releasing attachment) 
On the top floor were offices for booking in yoga retreats and classes, a kids library and some accommodation rooms. 
On entering the temple we had to take our shoes off and walk in bare feet. No shoes were allowed to be left on the stairs infront either so there were always a gathering of shoes below.

I was then shown around a cow shed building which had an alter and candles lit and some small rugs dotted on the floor with some chairs at the back. This was the place where Amma started her Darshan healing/ blessing sessions as a young girl and the place where she meditated, chanted and sang bhajans (spiritual uplifting songs in Malayalam)
Next door was a bigger part of this shed and apparently it was where the first few men would sleep when they came to visit her. It is now a small temple where pujas, which are vedic prayer/blessing rituals that take place.
I was shown the main hall where Amma now performs most of her Darshan, Satsang (question and answer sessions) and Bhajahns. The place was massive with a stage and could seat a couple thousand or so..I can't put a number on how many exactly. There are 3000 people who live here and possibly a 1000 like myself who are visiting and then there will be up to a 1000 Indians arriving by bus to receive blessings on the days she offers public Darshan.
Outside was a dining area and the food was designed for Western taste. It was pretty with wooden round tables and tree herbs and plants growing from pots on the ground.
On the other side of the hall was the Eastern cafe which was more basic and an outdoor eating area with very basic tables and chairs. There was an Indian dining part of the main hall which catered for the food that was included in the price of the stay at the ashram, which by the way works out as being about £3.50 per night. 
Dotted around outside the main hall was a juice stall which also sold ice cream, a coconut stall, a fruit shop, a chai and coffee cart, the toilets, an ayrevedic shop manned by Indian men, a gift and book shop, a small general store with some packet foods, spices etc. There was a square within all of these amenities where there was some seating area. It too was buzzing with people walking, talking, watching, reading, eating etc. 
We then went through to a pathway to the beach which was out of another part of the Ashram over a narrow road and onto a small walkway which led onto some sand that didn't last long and then it was big rocks that framed the lapping waves from the Arabian sea. There were chairs dotted around for the ashram people to sit and meditate watching the waves. It had a powerful feel there 
Amma has scheduled in each day that from 530 to 630 pm was a meditation time and many would use this time to do their practice at the beach as Amma did this on the same stretch of the beach when she was growing up. She would concentrate on the power of the waves to connect with the divine.
The lady showing me around left me here to meditate and I walked back up into the main hall and was given a Darshan token which entitled me to receive a healing, blessed hug from Amma. I sat on a chair in a long line of them to wait my turn. A young lady sat next to me and asked was I the last one in the line. I said I was and that I was new there having just arrived and hoped I was sat in the right place. She smiled and said she too had just arrived but she had been numerous times to the ashram and she assured me I was sitting where I should be. We chatted and introduced ourselves and waited, and waited, two hours later. I was near to Amma and I felt an enormous surge of an inner fullness arise within me. I was about three metres away from seeing her. I felt anxious. She was dressed in the purest white robes Id ever seen. She was chatty and smiley and that made me feel comfortable. I had heard that she gives hugs and blesses you with her unconditional love and you feel uplifted afterwards. 
I was near to seeing her and I was given a briefing on what to do, and asked to wipe my face clean from any perspiration. I was ready. 
I knelt down and waited behind a lady infront of me who was getting her hug. I was asked my nationality by a lady standing next to me and she would pass the message onto the one in front of her and then when I got to Amma that lady would then say to Amma that I was English. It was very well timed. Amma looks right at you deeply and puts the side of your head onto her chest. She tunes in to you what seems like a long time and she puts her head next to your cheek and she chants some words in Sanskrit into your ear. The power of her voice and what with the mantra and her divine presence just made me feel I was lost in time and into this feeling of pure love. 
I immediately left her presence to go to my room as I started to cry. I was overwhelmed. Her voice was so powerful and yet loving at the same time and I could feel some of her powerful inner strength and yet accepting love. I can't describe it very well. But I could feel she was "plugged into a divine source " that was indescribable to you or I. We were welcome to sit near to her to meditate and stay wth this feeling and her presence a while longer but I didn't. 
I went back to my room and had a cold shower (there was only cold water available) washed my hair and got sorted for a sleep, afterall I had just done a long journey as well. 
I needed sleep as I was given an itinery for each day. I went into a deep sleep and was then woken up by my room mate coming in and it was pitch black as it was so late into the night. She and I laughed as we introduced ourselves in the dark night with no lights on, funny! I said I was getting up in the morningat 7.15 and we said we would meet properly then as she would be around in the morning and didn't need to rush off anywhere.

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My first full day, Monday 27th August.

This morning I got up at 7.15 am and met my room mate properly. She is called Paula, from Spain. She had already been staying at the ashram for a month with her mother and aunty. They were all in this room together and I thought it was abit tight on space with just the two of us. She was telling me how she never really wanted to come to the ashram as it was her aunty's thing to do and she and her mother came along to see what it was all about. She said she had realy got into it and it had helped her settle down from her wild ways of drinking socially and she had made some nice friends here too. She had saved up enough money from her previous job and thought to stay on another two months on her own. She was doing seva (selfless service of translating English to Spanish to some people at a yoga retreat which was being held in the ashram) She was wanting to improve her English and she was pleased that I was English as well so she could practice more. 
I really liked her and was pleased she was going to be my room mate for the rest of my stay. I suppose we could have had another lady to come in as well at some point along the duration.However I'd heard that the ashram was quiet as usually there would be more people staying from Kerala. But due to the bad floods they were absent this year. I was even asked at reception when I arrived if I'd like a single room. This is unheard of most of the time. I chose to share as it breaks down some of the boundaries we hold onto .It helps you to find out more about yourself when sharing and also to make friends. As a mother and being self employed and with the job I do, it's surprising how insular it can be. So for me this was an exercise to step out of the norm. 
I got ready for the day and put on clothes that covered me from my neck down to my ankles, which in the heat of India and it's humidity was something to bear!. 
Paula went back to sleep for a lie in. She sounded busy during the day working and in the evening she hung out with friends she had made til late. It was the ashram's rule to be in your rooms by eleven and to make minimal noise. Paula wasn't back by that time so I couldn't lock the door and I pushed the door shut but the wind from the outdoor balcony blew it back open. I found some cardboard and I wedged it between the door and the frame. See, if I wasn't sharing a room I wouldn't have had to think outside of the box like this! 
I went to have a look around the Ashram with my programme of the daily and weekly itinery .I've posted a photo of this programme for you to see. 
I went to see where to go for breakfast as I was starving because I missed having dinner last night. I found out I was a little early as breakfast would start at 9. 
So I went to what was Amma's house as a child. It is a meditation space now, it's so small and I couldn't imagine it being a house with a large family living there.
The candles were lit infront of a big photo of her in meditation, when she was younger. I sat cross-legged on the floor infront of the photo, closed my eyes and watched my in and out breath. I quickly went into a trance. Never before had I got to that state so soon. Those of you who know when you concentrate long enough with a one pointed focus on anything you will enter into meditation and this is when you are at one with what you concentrate on and then ego will drop away releasing tensions in body and mind and you feel a different state of being which feels like an inner power opening up which is peaceful and joyful.
Well by a few minutes I was in meditation. But why so quick, I wondered? Afterall I was really eager to get some food and not really in a settled state of mind to get into meditation that quick. To explain how I felt.. it was my inner body that started to open up into.my outer body. The inner body I can describe as an inner feeling of softness, sense of quietness and very strong and powerful. This inner body showed my outer body how to relax and let go. I even let go of my hunger! This inner body taught my outer body to become like it is inside. When I teach yoga we work on releasing the physical body and help it to release and this helps to connect to this inner state of calm when the mind and body release tensions. So in this instance it worked the other way around. The presence of consciousness in this room connected straight away into the deeper aspect of my consciousness. I stayed for 30 minutes and it became a stronger feel with each moment that I spent there. 
Afterwards 
I did go for breakfast and bumped into the young Swiss lady I met yesterday when we were waiting for Darshan. I had a chat with her, because she has been coming to the ashram for many years now she knows how everything works so I was able to ask her anything and she was happy to help. I finished up breakfast and washed my dishes in the outdoor sink area. There were also bins labelled for recycling here. And a fresh water station to fill up your own water bottles which was useful in this heat. 
I left her and went to book and pay for some yoga classes. They are held each morning at 7.15 - 8.30 am. I bought a card with six classes paid for. They worked out to be about £3 for each one. I was looking forward to these. 
On the way to the yoga booking office I noticed an ayreveda doctors room, I could see through a small gap of the door and saw it was just like a consulting room and the doctor was Indian and it looked very intriguing. I've always had an interest in the natural remedies. I later found out it is so cheap to have a consultation with him, he would consult you and give you a prescription and you could buy the remedies form the ayrevedic shop in the ashram. The remedies were also so cheap. 
Next Door to there I saw a music room. I saw a big locked gate nearby which in behind is Amma and her Swami's and Swamini's modest accommodation. Apparently Amma sleeps on the floor. I have to admit I slept well being closer to the floor last night on my thin mattress. My back felt good for it. 
At this time I looked at my phone for the time and realised my text message to my children back home hadn't arrived to them and it was to tell them I'd arrived safe etc from my journey. I just received a text from them asking was I there yet? Oh no.!.. I didn't realise that my texts didn't send.
There was an internet office in the ashram but it didn't open til later. I remembered that there was an internet cafe in the local village. So off I went out of the Ashram walked over the bridge crossing the river and into the village. I saw a few small buildings and they looked like they were never in use. So I carried on walking around the corner and up a long street. The heat was intense and walking in long sleeves and long trousers just became an ordeal. I noticed within myself how I was on a mission to get a message over to Meg and Fay and hopefully stop them worrying that they hadn't heard from me for two days now since I last had a connection. 
Anyway everything was closed in the village this day as it was a Bank Holiday celebrating similar to harvest festival time called Onam. Back to the ashram I went. I just bought a mango ice cream and sat down on a chair in the square where you could watch people coming and going.I noticed I was relaxed and was happy to enjoy my sit down there even though I felt stressed about making contact to home. 
After I had some time to walk down to the beach and watch the waves. That experience was very similar to the meditation I had in the morning. So powerful yet peaceful.

By this time it was lunch time and so I had something to eat which was so delicious. All the food here is organic, vegetarian, there are vegan choices too. The Western cafe offered a menu with various options and a dessert. You paid hardly anything for this delicious food. Otherwise you could go full on Indian (which was free) and it was all curries, which was really healthy yet spicy. I like spices but was aware of not eating too much spice all the time, I wasn't used to it after all. There was an Eastern cafe too, which you paid minimum for aswell. I felt I wanted to play safe for now.

After lunch I went to the ashram's internet office to send a message back home. The key pads were hard to get used to and my hotmail wouldn't work because they wanted to send a code to my phone to prove my identity via a call. I couldn't receive calls at this time with what was going on with my phone issue so I went to facebook messanger. 
I typed a message explaining that I was alright and explained my frustration about my phone but when I pressed send it all went into French! I tried to translate it using the icon button and it all deleted! I was feeling that I was being shown that this isn't running smoothly for a reason. After 90 minutes in the internet office, as someone in there tried to help with the problem of the language icon and they too, had difficulties in sorting it. I finally get through to Megan! She was fine and glad I was okay and in the ashram. 
I explained how I could read texts from her but couldn't reply. So I would try to get to the internet office as much as I could to let her know and to find out if all was okay with home and Fay. 
By the evening I was ready for meditation with Amma. She would normally do this on the beach. But because it was monsoon season there wasn't any sand left on the beach and so it was in the main auditorium. 
There were about 3000 people minimum there to meditate with her. She arrived with a smile that could melt the heaviest of hearts and she took her place sitting in Lotus posture on a raised platform overlooking all of us. 
She closed her eyes as we did too. There was a Swami next to her who guided us into the meditation in English. And then Amma spoke in her language to get us in further and Swami translated again. 
As we started to sit in silence there were so many disturbances. People fidgeting, arriving late, mobile phones ringing, coughing, babies crying and so on. But eventually we all settled and there was just silence during the practice. You could hear the odd cough and the birds and the surrounding sounds of nature. Most importantly you could connect into inner peace. I'm not sure how long we stayed like this as time becomes insignificant when you are in meditation.

After the meditation it was Satsang. This is a time to ask questions to Amma and she would enlighten us with the answer. Someone asked her why did we visualise a triangle behind the third eye during the guided visualisation into meditation...?
Amma replied that where the triangle lies is important as it is in alignment with the base of the spine at the Mooladhara chakra, the support of the spine. She said the inner centre of the spine as described in tantra yoga represents divine power. This divine power is the substratum of everything. We must be aware of this power. As we are everything that functions from that divine power. When we concentrate in the triangle behind the mid eyebrows we cool the nervous system as well. This makes us resistant to taking on more of the divine power in the physical body. This is also why the sacred ash is placed on the eyebrow centre to cool the system down and aids in it's functioning. To make us aware of Atman she said. (Atman is divine consciousness. Yogis use many different names to express this consciousness to make us aware it doesn't matter about the name as it is the inner feeling that is real)
After the Satsang, we had Bhahjans with Amma. Her Swamis were near her and they played instruments and sang too. But Amma would sing on her own most of the time and then we could sing and repeat her last verse with her. It was sung in Malayalam and the Sanskrit was written on a screen with English translation underneath.There was another in French translation. I did notice that there are alot of French staying here. Again the words and vibration were healing and powerful alone.Her voice is divine and strong. I did attempt to sing in Malayalam as much as I could but I noticed their pronouncitation didn't match to what I was reading. Even so, I wasn't heard above everyone else when I got it wrong. I find the singing works fast in breaking down tensions in the mind and body. 
These songs were moving and yet uplifting. At the end I cried as it would blow me away. Watching her and seeing how she was at one with all of the words, the music, she is at one with the belief of what she is expressing and the emotion of love. She would lift her head upwards whilst singing and break out into joyful laughter and she would use her hands in a gesture to lift up the energy in the room or within us...but I could feel this energy rising up inside and it just made me cry, but a happy cry. 
She had her dog with her lying down next to her. It was cute apparently called Bhakti which means "devotional love." What a happy blessed dog it looked! Apparently there was another one who goes under her dress during the sessions. But I didnt see that one today.

The Bhajans finished with us singing to her. The words were in Malayalam sending her appreciation of her grace and unconditional love for the benefit of helping us to move us out of our boundaries. 
She cried. 
The Swami who takes the lead in this song has such a powerful yet smooth and loving texture to his voice. Can't explain it very well. 
It was time for evening meal which was 8 pm and afterwards I went back for a shower and bed.

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My 3rd installment of my experience at the Amritapuri Ashram, Kerala. Tuesday 28th August.

I woke early this morning, just after 4 am and got ready to go to Archana which starts at 4.50 am in the Kali Temple for the ladies and in the the auditorium for the men. It is the chanting of the Divine Mother's name a thousand times with different descriptions in each chant. It is alot to remember and chanted really quickly. The language is in Sanskrit and has has a vibration which breaks down our ego and past karma It's a worship to the divine Mother's consciousness which represents the Oneness of all beings and all of Creation
The whole practice lasts about an hour. I arrived at the temple which is dimly lit and the altar lit with candles. 
We sit on the floor facing the altar, some ladies sit on chairs on the edges.I could understand why as this was going to be hard core sitting still for an hour and concentrating on keeping up with the chanting. Some had a book with them to read the chants from, I wondered if they were in the temple to use but couldn't see any. I didn't know any of the chants so I decided I would absorb the atmosphere and concentrate on the sounds of the words and see where that takes me. 
Off we went or rather the ladies went...they chanted fast and hard! It was such a powerful sound. Some were remembering every word without the book to read from and I noticed some were gesturing every chant from their heart with their hand as if to push the words out from their heart space to the altar which had a big photo of Amma there. They were performing Bhakti yoga here which is a devotional practice of worship to a higher deity and this opens the heart which is the path to enter the unconditional self that we are beneath the ego barriers. 
I closed my eyes took a good seated posture, settled my breathing and curiosity and concentrated on the sounds. After about fifteen minutes my mind settled deep into the sound and I felt a transformation in my body and mind.The uncomfortable feeling of sitting on the floor started to lighten. My body felt brght and expansive and so did my mind. The power of this Archana was taking effect. 
After about an hour they finished and they chanted another shorter chant after. Finally they stayed in silence to absorb the effects. They paid their respects with a gesture towards the altar, some by holding their hands in namaste and bowing their heads and some would touch the floor with their hand and then touch their chest and forehead. I noticed Amma did this aswell when arriving or leaving.

It was still only 6am and still quite dark outside, everyone rushed off to get a free cup of chai tea outside which was ladelled out by a lady into your mug, if you remembered to bring one. I did go aswell as I'd heard it was good and my tummy was starting to rumble any way. I needed something to go on with as breakfast wasn't until three more hours.I sat down with my tea on some chairs nearby and was happy to sit and watch everyone and listen to a few conversations around me. It felt so surreal that here I was in amongst somewhere I didn't have a clue about, so I was really feeling that any words I could grasp onto would help me. I overheard some men talking and it was just like they were at a coffee morning, chatting away about thow long they had been staying in the ashram etc. There was an older man talking to a younger one about a book he had read about philosophy and how each time he read it that it gave him more insight. I started to have my own inner conversation with him and thought of how much the Sutras of Patanjali (which is a book on the yoga philosophy through the understanding of the mind) giving more information each time you read it aswell.There was another man next to me and he looked friendly and I really thought he'd start to chat. I don't know why, maybe I needed to chat. We were both sat next to eachother on our own. I called out as some mosquitoes had started to nibble my legs and he laughed and spoke in another language I did not understand. But we laughed and I drank up my tea and left. Its funny to think that I expected to talk with him and the way we are conditioned in the "outside of the ashram environment that we live in" we think it's polite to talk as it's being friendly. But I had this insight (and I was constantly learning about myself) that it didn't matter that he didn't speak to me as there are many other levels in which people connect. I was appreciative of his humour and his company of just sitting there. We are constantly trying to fill up silences and really there's alot to experience in the spaces between chatter.
It was still so early and I looked at my mobile for the time and realised its frozen. That needed to get sorted, I thought. I couldn't press on any part of the screen to open it. 
I decide to go back to the room to chill out before breakfast and realised I haven't got my accommodation pass.You have to have this on you at all times. I'm surprised I got into the main part of the Ashram with the guards on duty there. They look for it around your neck and if it isn't there they won't let you inside. I decide to go and explain to them that I was going to go back to my room to get it. When I got to the security guard place I walked out and I didn't get asked about it. I didn't bother to explain as I'd find it soon. I went to the room and the door was locked from the inside, Paula must have gone back to sleep.
I went back to the ashram and decided to meditate until breakfast in the Kalari Temple. As I entered, the security guard was chatting to the other guard and I just walked through and again I thought I'd sort it later. 
At the temple there was a Puja ceremony taking place. This is an ancient Vedic ceremony held where different rituals take place to deeply cleanse body and mind and past karma ready for the new energy to be brought in. There was chanting, prayers, lighting of fire, burning of elements, flowers offered, bathing in the holy water, inhaling and enveloping of the insense, sandalwood and sacred ash on your third eye to cool the nervous system.This Puja lasted nearly an hour, they did this every morning, daytime and evening. You could get it done as a personal ceremony if you wished. It is advised to have a Vedic Astrology reading done first and then be able to have the Puja ceremony to help with your new direction in life and to help in clearing out past karma. 
It was powerful to watch yet alone have it done for yourself. I did take part in the water and insence cleansing and I had some sandalwood and ash on my third eye (in between my eyebrows) You didn't have to take part as some people were just watching. I realised I don't mind doing something new and haven't got an ego about wearing the dot between my eyebrows. I remembered my brother laughing about my ashram trip before I left and he said "I bet you come back with a dot on your forehead!" Until you know about why they do these practices it is taken in humour. We could all do with a dot on our third eye in the Western lifestyle! We just tell ourselves to "chill out" or have a drink. We are not as tuned in to our system as the Eastern culture are. 
I finally went for breakfast and enjoyed that. I did notice that I enjoyed the food here very much and it tasted so good. I was later told that everything has a blessed energy here because of the presence of a divine soul. It made me think how when you bless your food and drink it does taste better. There is the evidence seen under a microscope of how the water molecules change into perfect snowflake crystal shapes when you give it a blessing The scientist is Japanese man who found this out.

Today, being a Tuesday is a quiet day in the Ashram and it's dedicated to meditation .
There is a meditation with Amma in the morning. We all gather in the auditorium and take our places. I sit on the floor cross legged as I know this is good to sit still in the floor for the body and mind. As we were waiting I held onto my knees with my legs bent up infront of my body and thought I'd have abit of ease in the body whilst waiting. I was tapped on the shoulder by a lady who then spoke in my ear that my calf on my right leg was being revealed to her and she found it offensive and pointed out that the Indian ladies would be too.
During all the gatherings in the auditorium the women would sit on one side and the men on the other. So I was surrounded by women and I noticed that no-one else was looking at my leg. And I wasn't aware of it showing as I had long floaty trousers on but I realised there was a small split of the material on each side that opened up when your legs were in the position I was in. I felt really annoyed as I thought anyone could see it was not intentional and when I dropped my legs into a seated meditation posture my calf flesh would disappear. I couldn't and didn't answer her and just sat into my meditation posture straight away to prove that it wasnt' that bad. 
Interestingly, after meditation Amma spoke in her Satsang (a question and answer time) - how we should look at ourslelves first before we judge others, interesting how that came up at this time. I wondered if it was a divine message! Obviously I am guilty of this as much as everyone else but I wouldn't tell someone off for something that looked to be a natural occurance. Later on I spoke with the Swiss girl who knows so much about the ashram and how it works and she said some of the devotees who live there take everything so seriously. And I did see this lady a few times during my stay and quite often she was frowning and sorting issues out with others.I could feel her dedication to the ashram so much. 
Back to Satsang and Amma talks of having a " yearning" towards the divine. 
She said we are always evaluating life according to our own mindset. 
We must have more clarity and to understand things using discipline, discrimination and dispassion, these are all needed. 
She said we should have the innocence of a child, not so identified with ego but to have more purity. 
A child associates their "name - identification" separate to them. For instance there's a little boy who lives in the ashram called Yuni. He always says " Yuni is hungry" or "Yuni is tired" never does he say "I am hungry or I am tired." He sees his identification as separate to his true self. 
She went on to say only a child forgives and forgets quickly. 
An innocent heart is needed, like a that if a child's. 
She says we are never truly free if we are associated with the ego. 
She started to speak quicker but I got the meaning of her message as she related to an ancient story of a person dying with gold chains around his neck. But at death the chains don't mean anything, meaning don't build the ego up with possesions and labels as it doesn't mean anything at death. 
She said people are being drawn to drink and not living in the moment. 
They drown their problems in drink. 
She continued talking and said to be spiritual we must forgive and forget like a child. 
She went on and told another story of two children who were playing a game and fell out with eachother. They went to each of their homes and told their parents who became angry with the other child concerned. They each spoke with the other parents and everyone fell out. They decided the best way was to go and get the children together and they sort it out. So off they went to find the children and the two were playing happily in the river laughing and joking as if nothing had happened. 
She said if only we can be humble and respect eachother as there is always a change in the situation. 
She said you never know who the next person is to become enlightened. 
She says have humility to gain knowledge to change
And know that light replaces the dark. 
Don't have wrong conclusions. 
We all have our drawbacks and flaws and we must work on them. 
Everyone is equal and there is Oneness. 
She then went onto explain further on Oneness, as two banks of the river are never separate. When the water dries up you can see it all as one, the two banks and the bed together. 
During this talking and sharing time, Amma drew a picture with coloured pens. She showed us afterwards, it was beautiful. I asked the Swiss girl what happens to these lovely pictures as I seen she had also drawn another one at the last Satsang. She said they get sold on tour and the proceeds go into her charities.They were divine and spiritual of nature. 
After meditation it was lunchtime. On a Tuesday Amma blesses every plate of food before it gets delivered to us. 
The blessing of food is called Prasaad.There is a long line of people dishing out the food onto plates and they are passed along to Amma like a conveyer belt and Amma touches them and blesses each one Then they are passed onto people infront of her and they pass them back and so on until the very back people get a plate of food. As the plates are passed on they are being further blessed by everyone who touches the plate by the chanting of "om nama shivaya" which is what the ashram asks of us to say to another person in the ashram to acknowledge their consciousness from your consciousness when you face them or walk past them. Some people do and some people don't say this but admittedly you can say it under your breath . And even though we send that to others when we pass them we shouldn't do it for reward. Back to the hall, the food gets delivered to a couple thousand people there, it is a mean feat by Amma. She is fast! We then wait for Amma to get her food and we give our thanks and start to eat
We didn't have any cutlery (some carry their own around in their bags for hygiene reasons and for Prasaad) But we ate in the traditional Indian way of eating with your fingers of your right hand. This is the "cleanest hand" as the left is used for other means... toilet duties, and handling of money are two I have heard about. Any way it was curry! I looked around and saw that everyone was mixing it all up on their plate, using their fingers picking up as much as they could and putting it in their mouth as tidily as possible. I was anxious about making a mess but I got on great and got used to the texture of the food on my fingers.
I hoped I didn't look awkward and too Western. It's funny, we are conditioned to be polite and use cutlery and I felt realy dirty using my fingers and sociably awkward. But no-one looked at me and everyone had their eyes on their food going into their mouths. Again the taste of the food was good and we had a soft naan type bread with it which everyone mopped the last of the sauce up, so the plates looked spotless. We had a banana as our dessert which was covered in curry sauce over the skin because it was on the plate with the curry when it was delivered. Everyone just picked it up peeled it and ate the sweetness inside, it was delicious too. Afterwards we went and got our plates washed up by some volunteers and we could do what we wanted asTuesday there is no Seva (selfless service jobs). I went to the main reception to sort out getting a new accommodation pass to replace the one I lost.

After I went to the beach and saw the Swiss girl there. We had a chat and she said that the beach was looking really messy to what it used to be like. She said when Amma used to sit on the beach to teach the meditations when it wasn't rainy season, it was spotless and she thought maybe they've let it go because Amma isn't using it. It was true it could have been kept better with litter and debris scattered around. Ive since read that the government have asked everyone to clear up rubbish and debris within 2 km of their surroundings. And I've seen the beach is now clear. 
I left the beach to go and send a message to Megan back home as now my mobile is frozen I can't open or read a message from Megan. I was concerned that she may need to tell me anything about home or Fay. 
The internet office was closed all day as Tuesdays are dedicated for meditation and nearly every service was closed to give everyone a chance for this quiet time. This is something we could give ourselves, a day off from internet, shopping, chores. etc and spend some time in nature or meditation or yoga or read, or nothing! I remember Sunday's being much like this when I was younger, it was a family time and my brother and I would take it in turns to choose where to go for the day as a family. 
I went back to my room had a shower and laid on my bed for a while, Paula wasn't there so I had some quiet time. I felt really sensitive today I felt alone in a sense in this big institute where I saw so many faces that weren't friendly and I felt like I was the new girl at a big school who knew nothing and was looking out for everything I could to pick up on information to help me to settle in more. Even though I'd made friends with the Swiss girl I felt I didn't want to latch on to her as she wants her own experience here. And deep down I did too. I do like finding out new things and information so I was surprised I felt the way I did. I was feeling frustrated about having to sort my phone too. My accommodation pass was a mystery as I did remember putting it in my bag. A couple of other experiences with grumpy women had happened. I was looking forward to starting a three day mediation course that was starting tomorrow but I was told it was cancelled now and may go ahead later in the week if there are enough people. I was in limbo about that. I also wanted to get started on Seva, selfless service But now felt the urgency to sort my phone screen which meant going out of the Ashram to the village. I wasn't feeling settled right now. 
Notice it's all ego stuff dominating! 
I went to Bhajan this evening with Amma and I sat on a chair tonight partly so as I don't reveal any leg to anyone and I was tired. So I took up position in a row of Indian ladies and felt at ease there. They are the most beautiful women I've seen, they have long silver hair scraped back in ponytails revealing their dark skin and high cheekbones. They wear their coloured saris and they are short and petite. Maybe I felt their motherly warmth and that was what was needed to help my inner child's feelings. 
Who knows? 
I cried at the end again after listening to the Bhajans, it is so humbling and moving. 
Afterwards I saw the Swiss girl and we had dinner together. We keep bumping into each other like this... it's as though she is meant to be there for me. 
Afterwards we decide to go to the Bhagavad Gita talk held in the Kali Temple. It's held each night by a Swami who translates the philosophy of an excert on the Gita. I love the Gita. So off we went, it starts at 9 pm and finishes at 10 pm. We sneak in to the balcony area as we were a few minutes late. I sit on a chair and listen intently. But about halfway through I left as I couldn't hear him very well. His accent was difficult to understand and there were children playing outside and their voices were loud. I left quietly and surrendered to my bed.

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Wednesday 29th August

Today I woke up at 6 am as I really wanted to go to yoga. Yesterday it wasn't on, being a Tuesday which is the day dedicated to quiet time and meditation in the ashram. 
The yoga was gentle, it consisted of a few opening postures and a sequence. The teacher chanted throughout the class in synchronisation with our inbreath and outbreath. The students chanted internally with the same chant.

The chant is:
Ma (inbreath) which means Divine Love.
Om (outbreath) which means Divine Light.

The teacher chanted divinely and it helped to soothe your mind into the posture. Chanting helped to focus with inbreath and outbreath and the vibration opens the deeper layers into the inner Self. 
The class lasted an hour and fifteen minutes and it was held on a rooftop building, with open sides overlooking the backwaters.
The "backwaters" is a vast open river and the water just glides along. Any fallen leaves from the trees just float elegantly along as if skimming the surface. Whenever I have taken the boat across the water I feel like a lotus flower floating.
The view and sounds from the yoga space are full of nature. The birds making their early morning song and the crows sqwawking really loud and forceful. 
Like everything here, it is the duality of life revealing itself as being perfect. 
The sun is coming up and it's getting hotter and brighter. I'm grateful yoga is held early in the morning as the humidity here is so high.
We finish the class with a short relaxation and into a stillness. I feel I could drop into the stillness alot deeper, if I had time. But I was content to have practiced and I know the asanas are so beneficial. 
I was still feeling surprised and sensitive to how some people were acting here in the ashram.
I will go into it a little more later.

After yoga I went to breakfast and sat with a lady who I met in yoga. She is from South America and she had visited the ashram a number of times and had even been on tour with Amma in northern India. I asked her what she was doing after breakfast and she told me about a talk being held about Pancha Karma, which is an ayrevedic treatment on the five sheaths of our being. I asked if she wouldn't mind if I came too as it sounded intriguing. 
On the way I bumped into the Swiss girl and told her about it and she said it's very powerful and very spiritual too. She could recommend it.

We had to go out of the ashram to another building opposite a small road. This was still part of the ashram. We were given a talk by a lady who looked a picture of health. Her skin, eyes and whole aura were really bright. She definitely could sell the treatment on how she looked!
There was another couple from England listening too. Incidentally, there aren't many English at the Ashram as far as I was aware. I only met three people in total. 
The Pancha Karma treatment sounded very intensive. It basically entails having a big detox with ayrevedic supplements, colonic flushing, massages, meal supplements etc and it lasted a week and you had to stay in the hospital to be monitored (Amma has two hospitals, one in the Ashram and one in the village nearby. It is free to get treatment) She said you will also need another week to recover. 
The English couple were staying for a month so could spare the time and they were up for it. This particular treatment was something you paid for. However the ayrevedic practitioners performing the treatment didn't get paid and were working for seva, selfless service as part of the ashram.
There was an ayrevedic massage available that I could have and that would be in the hospital too. I came away thinking about the massage for a later time. 
On my walk back I realised there is so much to partake in here and everything was having an effect on me in a strong way and I really didn't need to have to commit into too much. Also there's the part in us all (ego) that thinks "I need that!" And it dawned on me that you can get caught up in always believing that if you don't do something then you will miss out. 
I wandered back to the internet office to message Megan. I tell her how I'm so surprised at some people here who are rude and selfish and grumpy. A couple of incidents really made me aware that even though I was in an ashram I wasn't in a bubble of love and light. It was good to share how I felt with her and she understood. 
Lunchtime, I sat on my own and the yoga teacher that taught us this morning asked if she could join me. 
She is French and lives in the ashram. She asked me "do you teach yoga?" I said I did. She said she thought I did and then asked me " how was I feeling being in the ashram?" I told her I enjoyed the yoga and really needed it as I was feeling sensitive to some people in the ashram. I told her that some of the behaviour was coming across as being selfish, very ego - centred, rude, unhelpful and I asked her was my judgement wrong? 
She laughed out loud and said "no you are right!" She helped to explain that Amma is aware of it too and says you must detach from these people.To have forgiveness and compassion for them but she said it is hard when we have an emotional heart. She said if we see a person in a wheelchair then we can easily have compassion but we don't have it for people with troubled minds. She said we need to let go as they are in their karma, but not to feel happy about them being in their karma. But we should truly let go. 
It really was a teaching for me that not everyone there is feeling they are in a comfortable, supported space. 
And how truly letting go was inviting forgiveness and compassion towards them. This also makes us aware not to look towards others for our own approval, as Megan my eldest daughter reminded me when we were messaging on the internet earlier.
At the end of our conversation another French lady came up and joined in our gathering. She is always dressed in bright colours and has a bright aura too. I met her once before, when I was sat in the square one day and she really wanted to talk and know more about me. She kept saying in our first chat " are you enjoying it here, are you okay? " She visits and stays in the ashram many times a year. She is a psychologist but she takes on casual work when back in France and when she saves enough money, she comes back to the ashram and emerges herself into the life here. She is happy and not stressed. She also sings and takes part in the singing here too. 
Again, she talked deep towards me as though really looking inwards to me and again asked me if I'm alright, am I happy?
She said she liked me instantly when she first saw me and liked my " energy" when she spotted me in the square. I smiled, as again the dualities are all here, just as in life. 
As much as I felt this disconnection with some people then there's this deeper connection being revealed. It's so interesting, the experiences are such teachings. 
After lunch, I went to see if I could get a Darshan from Amma as she was there. I was too early as Amma gives the Indian visitors theirs' first before the ashram residents.
The Indians travel by coaches from different places outside of the ashram and visit Amma for a blessing and to talk their problems with her. There are always some really sad cases that are talked about and Amma spends however long it takes to speak with them and gives them a blessed hug to her chest, she chants into their being to help their issue and gives them a blessed piece of fruit or sweet which is called Prasaad and also gives an envelope of sacred ash. 
The sacred ash can be used on or in the body, or sprinkled onto plants in drinks, in our food. It also helps to heal and eradicate any blockages. I used some on my leg where a part of my skin wouldn't heal for some reason and the next morning it had scabbed over. It's gone now.

Because it was too early for Darshan I was asked if I'd give prasaad to Amma on stage. I said yes as I really wanted to get more involved with the workings of the ashram rather than feeling on the outskirts, so to speak. 
Plus, it is a privilege to be part of Amma's work. 
I had to get training on how to give the sacred ash and a sweet which was wrapped up together into Amma's hand. She sees thousands of people a day when she gives Darshan and she didn't have time to fumble around looking for the prasaad to give to the person. 
I felt the pressure of getting it accurate with timing her arm actions and where her hand would be for me to quickly place the prasaad directly into the middle of her palm. 
Amma is always aware of everything and everyone around her and I was told she would know I was new to this procedure and I was just expected to do my best. I sat near to Amma's side and was passed the prasaad from a lady next to me. I then had to study Amma"s actions with the person she was blessing and when her arm came closer and her hand raised upwards I would have to put it centrally into her hand. Sometimes she would have a few prasaads already in her palm and she would stack them up ready to give to the next few people. She works fast. Her awareness is so full that she can see me and know my nervousness and be speaking and blessing and know all that's happening, all at the same time.

Afterwards I left her side and went and lined up for Darshan myself.
You are able to sit in chairs near Amma before the actual Darshan takes place
Whilst near to her I was concentrating on my breath and I felt the outer edge of my body dissolve and felt an expansiveness taking place and the feeling just turned into a "feeling of love with everything"- the music sounded so loving, people's voices were a sound of love, the surroundings felt full of love. 
It was time to kneel down infront of Amma, she looked into my eyes for a moment and she pressed her, head next to mine and chanted which sounded like " amora amora amora..." As she chanted her head went heavier and heavier down onto mine as though she was "pressing the chant into me" The amora sound of the chant sounds like "love" too, in her language. 
After, I stayed on the stage near her and meditated for a while before going to the beach. 
And the same feeling of " love" deeper than I've ever experienced was here, when I looked at the waves, listened to the cawing of crows, even the skin I saw on my legs was glowing and I felt "love" and hearing the children's laughter I felt "love "
Then I saw all these questions come up related to my journey to the ashram..... 
They all related to - why was I here and what did I want out of this visit? 
And I let them all go from my mind.
All expectations were released. 
I had a shower, dinner and listened to the Bhajans by the Swami tonight whilst Amma was still giving blessings. 
After I bought some reading books related to the ashram and Amma. 
I went to the Bhagavad Gita Talk late in the evening and sat nearer to the Swami and understood more of what he was saying this time. (I will write a blog on that too)

I am now reading from my journal that I wrote "I feel better from this afternoon onwards, sorry!" 
The mirror of consciousness is always reflecting back to us what we need to learn. 
And then when we've learnt it we can forgive and detach.

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